Will Be Refurbished As Unmanned Meteor Hunter

ANN April 1st Special Coverage

NASA announced today that the Space Shuttle Atlantis, which was to have gone on permanent display at the Kennedy Space Center visitor’s complex, will instead be rolled back into the VAB for refurbishment as an unmanned meteor hunter.

“These vehicles still have a lot of useful life left in them, we’ve known that all along,” said NASA administrator Charles Bolden. “And after the recent near-catastrophe in Russia, it was determined that we really needed something up there that can neutralize the problems before something massive hits the Earth.”

Atlantis will be armed with weaponry developed by DARPA in black research programs such as lasers and “Star Trek” inspired photon torpedoes. “We have the technology,” a DARPA spokesman said. “Of COURSE we have the technology. By next year we’ll be able to launch a space-based weapons platform … er … Meteor and Asteroid Protection System (MAPS) that will keep the Earth safe for decades to come. Mankind will not go the way of the dinosaurs is we have anything to say about it,” he said.

With only one shuttle coming out of retirement, it will be necessary to keep the spacecraft in a permanent orbit and re-supply it through contracts with commercial space companies. “This is a perfect extension of the terrestrial UAV program, as well as a boon to our commercial space partners” said Bolden. “What did you think all of those X-37B flights were about anyway?”

Officials at the Kennedy Visitors Center were both proud and disappointed that they were losing what they hoped would be a major tourist draw. “But to save the Earth … we’re happy to have even a small role,” a spokesman said.

FMI: www.darpa.mil, www.nasa.gov