"Miraculous Probiotic Bacteria" Found in Martian Soil

Special 04.01.23 Parody Edition: NASA has announced a surprise lander mission in a groundbreaking public/private enterprise with yogurt company Yoplait.

The shocking news follows reports of recent martian bacteria discoveries by the InSight Mars Lander mission. While news of microscopic life on another world was shocking enough, initial spectroscopy, assays, and testing aboard the lander pointed to an astounding quality for the dormant bacteria: It would make a fantastic probiotic, perfect for healthy digestion.

Don Martin, chief brand officer at Yoplait parent company General Mills, said the company saw the perfect chance to bring a little bit of space down to Earth. "We've long had a brand deal with NASA wherein all microscopic life forms encountered would be surveyed for suitability in the Yogurt industry, going all the way back to the early moon missions and our invention of Go-Gurt™," said Martin to a stunned, silent group of reporters. "Well, since becoming a silent corporate partner of NASA's endeavors, we've provided a number of algorithmic and sensory tools in each lander we call the FLAVOR EMPORIUM... a short, simple way to see whether or not bacteria would be a good 'fit' for the Yoplait Brand's signature product." 

Initial reports from InSight say the new discovery is intriguing. Assays by the lander show that the bacteria would be "the most effective probiotic we've ever seen," according to Yoplait's air & space division. "If we can get even a half-kilo of sample material, we could create the most gut-healthy, delicious, digestible yogurt the world's ever seen," added lead yogurt engineer Yule Graham.

As part of the joint program, General Mills, and Yoplait, will bankroll an InSight Mk II called the "Oui™ by Yoplait® 'Find Your Unicorn Space' Martian Harvester". The lander will be equipped for bulk sample acquisition and delivery, slated for launch in 2026.

FMI: www.yoplait.com