Future-Proofed Bid for Inclusivity Confuses Many

Special 04.01.23 Parody Edition: The FAA has announced its 2024 initiative for Women's History Month: doing away with female pronouns for aircraft.

The change upends centuries of maritime and aeronautical history, in which voyagers referred to their faithful ships and craft as "she" and "her". The FAA, apparently wary of being left behind, has decided to leapfrog over the traditional gender binary, directly instituting the usage of "Neopronouns".

"Neopronouns", explains a UNC Greensboro Professor, "are a category of new - or neo - pronouns that are increasingly used in place of “she,” “he,” or “they” when referring to a person. Some examples include: xe/xem/xyr, ze/hir/hirs, and ey/em/eir."

While the change to use neopronouns won't be codified into regulation, the Administration has said they'd "prefer the industry do away with antiquated, sexist speech wherever possible," putting the use of old-fashioned 'she/her' references to bed for good. 

"To be frank," an anonymous FAA source said, "we really got caught with our pants down on this one. By the time we got comfortable with the binary pronouns - the he/him, she/her thing - all the cool kids online had already moved beyond those to making up their own. My daughter's - or, I'm sorry, my blorpal's pronouns are entirely blorp's own invention. In blorp case, instead of she/her/hers, the correct neopronouns are blorp/blorps/blorpal's. It's a little tough at first but once you get the hang of it, you don't even notice." 

The source admits that neologisms will be difficult to parse over the radio, however.

"While it may be confusing to us older folks, it's something we gotta do in order to stay ahead. Soon enough the 'Tik Tok Generation' will be taking to the skies, and we really have to make things as accommodating as possible."

While punitive measures have not been made, insiders present for FAA roundtables have said that some are pressing for corrective authority for a new class of FAA inspectors designed to police inclusive speech.

Given the fast-paced invention of neopronouns, the FAA "cannot give an all-encompassing list of approved phraseology," but has mentioned an Advisory Circular will be published sometime this year containing the top 1,500 neopronouns.

FMI: www.faa.gov