You've Been In Space... Not!
Apparently, America
doesn't hold exclusive rights to denser-than-average contestants on
reality television shows (we're as surprised as you are) as a
British television show was able to successfully dupe four
unwitting contestants into believing they had gone where no English
plasterer had gone before: earth orbit.
In a rather twisted homage to the late 70s movie "Capricorn One"
-- which played on conspiracy theories that the Apollo moon
landings had been little more than the work of Hollywood set
designers and trick camera work -- England's Channel 4 launched
"Space Cadets," a show that, yep, sends four hapless contestants
into "orbit."
According to the Manchester Evening News, the mock-space show
uses elaborate 'Hollywood-style' special effects and a shuttle-like
set built from NASA blueprints to recreate the entire space launch
experience.
Well, except for the g-forces of launch, that is.
And the subsequent lack of gravity.
And the fact Britain doesn't have a manned spaceflight program,
preferring to leave the seamier side of galactic exploration to the
Yanks.
But still, the four contestants on the inaugural episode of the
program bought it, believing they had just experienced a short
excursion into space. One of contestants, a Bristol plasterer named
Paul, even raved the crew of the rather unimaginatively named
"Earth Orbiter One" had officially become "astronauts" at T-plus 24
minutes after fake liftoff.
"This is [expletive deleted] amazing... we are going so fast!
This is a dream come true... thanks for choosing me," added Paul.
"This is like Wish You Were Here -- but on a spacecraft!"
Paul and his fellow
crewmembers -- Billy, Keri (right), and Charlie -- were indeed
travelling faster than any fake space vehicle had ever been, um,
pulled into space before. Just as the countdown to the fake liftoff
reached "one," Canadian pilot Drew Dawson told the crew a loss of
power would necessitate the orbiter to be "pulled out" into
space.
"They are probably pushing it," replied Kent recruitment
consultant Billy.
"They" aren't the only ones. Once the crew was in fake orbit,
they were told to wait for the Anti-Gravity generators to "warm up"
so they could feel the effects of weightlessness. Or something.
Evidently, the continued presence of gravity in space requires
Earth Orbiter One to generate it's own lack of gravity.
Charlie, an actor who was in on the hoax assured the crew "we
are in good hands... the best of the best."
"I can't see how they'd think this isn't happening," Charlie
later muttered in an aside to the camera. "We've been
living in a virtual reality and there's no chink in the armor."
Of course, it wouldn't be a true reality show were it not for an
obligatory element of sexual tension. When asked at a fake press
conference if the crew was planning on having sex in "space," Billy
admitted he "couldn't say no."
He did just that,
however, when college administrator Keri then said she
wouldn't.
And should the craft come in contact with any
extra-terrestrials, the fate of humanity is in the capable hands of
Paul, who said he would greet them with a kiss.
That may prove to be the most positive element to come out of
"Space Cadets": as long as they're in "space" -- later
episodes will focus on the crew's continued trials, tribulations,
and banalities in fake orbit -- evidently none of the Earth
Orbiter One crew will be breeding.