Big Eye In Sky Turned Earthward, Finds Terror Kingpin

04.01.05 Special Edition: It was a Homer Simpson moment. As CIA Director Porter Goss was headed for work Thursday morning, he suddenly sat ramrod-straight in the back of his limo. Fearing his boss was having a seizure or worse, his driver immediately made to pull over. But the former Florida Congressman waived him on.

"What's wrong?" asked the unidentified driver, alarmed.

"I've figured out how to find Osama bin Laden," said Goss. "DOH!"

Within an hour of his arrival at CIA headquarters in Langley, VA, Goss had arranged with NASA to turn the Hubble Telescope away from the stars and toward eastern Pakistan. Within 20 minutes, scientists and intelligence agents had spotted Osama bin Laden.

"He was coming out of a day spa in Peshwar," said Goss. "The Hubble was so precise that we could tell he'd just had a cucumber facial, manicure and beard trim. And we're pretty sure he'd hit the tanning bed."

Why didn't anyone think of this earlier? After all, Hubble is considered the single most powerful optical tool in NASA's inventory. "No one asked," said spokesman Ray Villard. "I mean, here we are, trapsing through the galaxy, looking hither and yon, when we could have been tracking down the world's most notorious terrorist. How did Goss put it? DOH!"

But Villard said the quick turnaround to point Hubble at Pakistan came only after the Hubble organization was able to extract a hefty price from the CIA. The spy agency has now agreed to fund a rescue mission that will keep the telescope in orbit well beyond 2007.

"It was touch and go," Villard admitted. "But Director Goss finally gave in -- when we told him he could also use the telescope to look inside Pamela Anderson's window."

FMI: www.hubblesite.org, www.pamelaanderson.com