Unveils New TRTR Guidelines

04.01.06 'Special' Edition: At a news conference Wednesday, TSA chief Kip Hawley (right) finally spoke the words pilots have longed for him to say.

(No, not "I am retiring from the TSA to pursue my lifelong dream to play Tevye on Broadway. Watch out, Fierstein.")

"After exhaustive study, we have determined that, in fact, little real-world security threat exists from small general aviation aircraft flying near government facilities," Hawley said. "A far greater threat than a Cessna 150 exists in such everyday vehicles as delivery trucks and moving vans."

"In fact, the TSA recently unearthed evidence that such a vehicle -- in this case, I believe it was a moving van -- has been used as recently as 1995 in an attack on domestic soil," Hawley added. "On the other hand, no one has ever seriously attempted to use a small aircraft in a 9/11-style attack, and anyone with a good grasp of physics would likely never attempt it."

"I mean, look at the clown who flew his C150 into the White House a few years back," added Hawley. "The branches on the surrounding rose bushes were sturdier."

While Hawley admitted that small aircraft pose little threat to national security, that unfortunately doesn't mean GA pilots will see a decrease in the number of Temporary Flight Restrictions (TFRs) that increasingly dominate national airspace. In fact, Hawley revealed that soon TFRs will be joined, and often accompanied by, new restrictions known as TRTRs -- Temporary Ryder Truck Restrictions.

"We realize it is unfair to single out Ryder, a fine company, as the latest potential purveyor of national doom," Hawley said. "However, we intend the term "Ryder" to be used much as "Kleenex," a protected trademark, is used by anyone in need of a tissue."

"Besides, TUPSTR, TFEDEXSTR and TU-HTR don't have the necessary alliterative cachet," Hawley added.

Under the new program, the TSA will impose sudden, often unannounced restrictions on all vehicles greater than 15,000 lbs gross weight in areas ranging from a five to 20 mile radius around a protected region. Such vehicles will not be allowed to transit into such protected regions without proper clearance from the proper authorities.

Such clearances, Hawley mentioned, will need to be filled out, in triplicate, and filed at least 12 hours before engine start of the affected ground transport vehicle. Vehicles awaiting clearance will be forced to drive in a 360 degree circle at the nearest intersection to the TRTR border -- without hitting other vehicles, stop signs, streetlights, or pedestrians.

Already, a Special Notice TRTR has been enacted in the area directly underlying the Washington ADIZ, extending from ground level to 17', 8" AGL.

"We will no longer ignore this important, possible threat to the security of our great nation," said Hawley. "From now on -- no matter the difficulties -- delivery vehicles and moving vans will not be allowed within range of protected officials such as the President, or the Assistant Secretary of Agriculture."

"In fact," Hawley added smugly, "they won't even come within ten miles of them."

FMI: www.tsayyyy.gov