Wait... Dave Barry Charges HOW Much?

by ANN Managing Editor [And Second Choice] Rob Finfrock

Somewhere in between the good news of 2007, and the bad, there lies the offbeat... the surreal... and, the downright disturbing. Reporting the year's "weird" aviation stories made for some interesting times for the ANN staff -- often providing a much-needed chuckle, or a welcome, 300-word escape into the absurd.

Alas, when recapping these stories we found we just couldn't leave "weird" enough alone... and felt compelled to add our own commentary, too.

On behalf of the ANN staff, I hope you enjoy the following. We sure did.

January

• United Airlines employees at Chicago O'Hare claim they see a UFO hovering over the field. An FAA investigation later reveals the eerie shimmer to be a physical manifestation of CEO Glenn Tilton's own inflated sense of self-worth...
• A metal object, the size of a golf ball and weighing nearly a pound, punches though the roof of a home in Monmouth County, NJ. A short time later, a Northwest DC-9 lands nearby, missing its 40-year-old "spinning-metal-ball-oscillitron" airspeed indicator...
• A Canadian artist announces his plan to float a giant, banana-shaped blimp over Texas. No need for a joke here, that pretty much says it all...
• A man traveling onboard a United Airlines flight is stung by a scorpion, thereby assuring at least one more Samuel L. Jackson "[Insert Feared Animal Here] On A Plane" movie...
• The TSA contemplates advertisements in security bins at checkpoints. Interested sponsors include the ACLU, Dasani bottled water, and Preparation H...
• Former FEMA Deputy Patrick Rhode is hired as a senior advisor to agency Administrator Michael Griffin -- but quietly resigns immediately following the discovery of "Constellation Katrina" by the Hubble Space Telescope. Throughout the ordeal, however, his hair looks "great"...
• In his book 'Boeing Versus Airbus', author John Newhouse claims former Airbus CEO Jean Pierson 'dropped trou' to land a 400-plane deal with US Airways. Punch line imminent, wait for it...
• A wayward cat survives three weeks in the cargo hold of a United Airlines 747. Scientists say Pumpkin was lucky she wasn't stuck in coach, as she'd only have lasted four days, at most...
• Inspired, perhaps, by the example set by former CEO Pierson, Airbus engineers conduct extensive, real-world tests of the lavatories destined for the A380 superjumbo.

February

• A 73-year-old Manhattan woman sues JetBlue, after she was allegedly removed from a flight for asking if she could have a super-sized airsickness bag. Shortly thereafter, the low-cost carrier announces it will no longer show the Fox News Channel on its inflight entertainment screens...
• Scientists adapt a miniature helicopter with an electronic brain that simulates the way insects view flight, which they say could lead to better flight characteristics for unmanned aircraft. The bad news is, UAVs equipped with the devices have a tendency to fly into car windshields...
• A Qantas flight attendant is accused of having a mile-high encounter with actor Ralph Fiennes on a flight from Sydney, Australia. Shortly thereafter, former President Bill Clinton holds a press conference to announce "Hey, I was on the flight, too." (Ironically, Fiennes was flying to India on behalf of UNICEF, to promote awareness of safe sex practices in the country's fight against AIDS. That's not a joke)...
• In yet another example of former Airbus CEO Jean Pierson's influence on contemporary culture, a German tourist drops his pants before walking through an X-ray machine at Ninoy Aquino International, as an apparent sign of disapproval...
• What seemed at first like a stylish, trendy logo for an upstart Belgian airline -- 13 spheres, forming a lowercase "b" -- is met with protest from superstitious passengers, forcing a change to -- 14 spheres. Curiously, the airline says the new number represents the number of times US carrier Delta Air Lines has altered its livery since 1968...
• ANN asks the question, How Do You Misplace A Dog That Walks Like A Person? American Airlines replies they'll get right back to us on that, but they're kinda busy right now...
• Speaking of American, one of its 757s lands at Dallas/Fort Worth International sans one of its two nosewheels. Crews later discover the missing components back on the runway at SeaTac -- in the process of being buried by a curiously-erect canine.

March

• Wakefield, England-based Yorkshire Air Ambulance comes up with a unique and successful fund-raising strategy: it asks women to donate their bras. The [predominantly male] ANN staff spends several hours searching for an "appropriate" fair-use graphic to use with the story...
• Idaho TSA Director Douglas Craig Melvin resigns from his post at the agency, after he allegedly entered the swimming area at a Boise hotel, stripped bare and proceeded to walk naked around the pool. In an oddly-prescient news conference, Senator Larry Craig shrugs off Melvin's transgression, saying "there's just something about Idaho"...
• 28-year Northwest Airlines pilot Field McConnell alleges Boeing and the ALPA are part of a conspiracy to plant remote-controlled explosives onboard the very 747-400 airliners he flies. Both the planemaker and pilots union, understandably, downplay the accusations -- while Airbus salesman John Leahy immediately issues a release noting the A330-200 comes 100% bomb-free from the factory...
• After quaffing two large beers, and then boarding a SkyWest regional jet with an inop bathroom, passenger James Whipple tests the leakproof qualities of an airsickness bag. Inspired, the carrier soon begins charging $2.00 for its new, single-use "SeatLav" option...
• ISS astronauts feast on dishes prepared by self-proclaimed domestic diva Martha Stewart, compliments of billionaire 'tourinaut' Charles Simonyi. The "Duck A La Tang" is voted the crew favorite...
• An FAA manager in North Carolina sends an email to other supervisors, instructing them to be careful in their use of an apparently offensive word: "staffing." The National Air Traffic Controllers Association helpfully offers to assist the agency further, by sending a tape of comedian George Carlin's infamous 'Seven Words You Can't Say In A Memo To Marion Blakey' routine.

April

• A United Airlines flight attendant is arrested at Dulles International Airport for allegedly carrying a concealed handgun aboard a flight from Atlanta. Her purported defense -- "I was only trying to speed along contract negotiations" -- doesn't fly with authorities...
• A Honolulu-bound Delta Air Lines 767 diverts to San Francisco when a female passenger is caught smoking in the lavatory, and becomes disruptive. Ironically, the distressed woman refuses the flight crew's offer of a cigarette to calm her down...
• A student pilot and his instructor suffer minor injuries when the cadet accidentally ejects from his Harvard II, before a planned training flight. "The ejection seat worked as advertised," the acting commander at 15 Wing Moose Jaw dryly observes... as did the "Student Pilot Paddle"... 
• The search for a mouse delays a Vietnam Airlines flight to Tokyo for more than four hours. At that point, crew day limits kicked in and the airline had to find an alternate rodent...
• Expedition 15 cosmonaut Fyodor Yurchikhin indicates Microsoft founder Bill Gates is considering a flight into space. "He says he just wants to 'look around,' like you do with a new house before buying it," the cosmonaut claims...
• An Indonesian 747 is forced to turn around when controllers notify the pilots a nuclear-capable ballistic missile was launched in their vicinity. And you thought fare wars over in the States were tough...
• A British commercial airline pilot and several passengers report seeing two UFOs, each larger than a 737, in the skies over the island of Guernsey. After consulting with BBC comedy experts, the UFOs are found to be giant, crudely-drawn animated feet, descending from the clouds to stamp out tired comedy routines. (Cue the "Monty Python" theme.)

May

• News surfaces an environmental agreement signed by Boeing and Virgin Atlantic contains a stipulation for Virgin CEO Sir Richard Branson and Boeing Chairman Jim McNerney to drop some pounds. Weight-loss company NutriSystem immediately announces its "787 FREE Meals With Annual Membership" program...
• Texas State University scraps plans to build the nation's largest "body farm" -- which, if you were wondering, is exactly what it sounds like -- near the San Marcos Municipal Airport (HYI). Area buzzards decry the loss of yet another planned local entertainment venue...
• The United Kingdom's Civil Aviation Authority launches an investigation into a "one-foot square slab" that fell from a small plane onto a tennis court in Jesmond, England. The object is subsequently identified as a tie-down block, from an overflying Piper Cherokee. CAA officials plan to launch a "full investigation," to determine whether the block was pushed from the plane, or jumped on its own accord...
• Argentine researchers say a common prescription drug is effective in combating jet lag. That drug is sildenafil... better known by its trade name, Viagra. Actor Ralph Fiennes immediately volunteers to be among the human test subjects...
• Cairo Airport Customs officers detain a man bound for Saudi Arabia, who attempted to smuggle 700 snakes in his carry-on luggage. Since we've already done a "Snakes On A Plane" joke, we'll simply add screeners in Cairo are apparently more vigilant than their counterparts in Denver...
• A swarm of bees, some 20,000 strong, is sucked into an engine on a Palmair 737 departing Bournemouth International Airport in England, forcing a return to the airport on one engine. Passengers later complain about the resulting 11-hour delay, as the airline first attempts to fix the engine, then finds a new plane. Some also complain about a strange buzzing noise, that haunts their dreams... 
• Boulder, CO resident Greg Camalier receives a 12-month deferred sentence for trespassing on public property, after he ran onto the Boulder Municipal Airport (BDU) grounds, and shouted and cursed at aircraft overhead, screaming he was going to "shut this airport down" -- a tirade that forced one aircraft to abort its landing approach. One witness to the spectacle notes Camalier came within five feet of a taxiing helicopter's rotor, that very nearly shut him down (this isn't a joke, per se, as much as an observation. If you're gonna go blind with rage... an airport tarmac isn't the smartest place to do it. That's all I'm saying.)
• Director Mike Figgis, best known for his film "Leaving Las Vegas", is purportedly detained for five hours following an encounter with security at Los Angeles International Airport. According to reports, Figgis was asked the purpose of his visit, to which he reportedly replied, "I'm here to shoot a pilot." Screeners confirm the story is true... but add they knew Figgis meant a 'pilot' TV show, and they only wanted time to show the director a copy of their screenplay, 'Harry Potter and the Dubious Attempt To Reassure Jittery Passengers With The Illusion Of Security'...

June

• Thieves make off with an Apache helicopter targeting system -- and nothing else -- after breaking into a Lockheed Martin facility in Orlando. The TADS Electronic Display and Control (TEDAC) is later recovered from some nearby bushes; authorities believe the valuable piece of military technology was abandoned when the thieves used it to watch the "Sopranos" finale on HBO, and thought the device broke at the very end when the screen went black...
• An unemployed Chinese man is able to bypass security and board a flight to his home province of Guizhou, wearing a pilot's uniform he bought online. The plan unravels, though, when the plane's real pilot strikes up a conversation with him, and notices his fake colleague doesn't know very much about his apparent profession. For his transgression, the man gets off relatively unscathed -- 10 days in jail, and a fine equivalent to $65. He is later sued for $100 million by Steven Spielberg, though, for stealing the plot to his 2002 movie "Catch Me If You Can"...
• Upstart low-cost carrier Virgin America announces the results of its poll of would-be customers, to suggest names for eight of the airline's first Airbus A320s. Chosen names include "Airplane 2.0," "An Airplane Name Desire," "Contents May Be Under Pressure," "Jane," "Unicorn Chaser," and the aptly-named "Winner Of Naming Contest." It is at this precise moment competitor Southwest Airlines chooses to refocus its attention from the bargain segment, and concentrate instead on attracting business travelers. "The general public has become even zanier than [Southwest founder] Herb Kelleher, and that's saying a lot," CEO Gary Kelly says...
• Delta Air Lines pilot Edward Smythe allegedly punches a US Customs agent in the back at JFK International, as the agent tried to intervene in a heated argument between Smythe and an airline worker over two wheelchairs the pilot said should have been provided for passengers deplaning from his flight. The Atlanta-based carrier attempts to spin the news in a positive way, announcing a new corporate motto adapted from its successful "Keep Delta MY Delta" anti-takeover campaign -- "Don't @$#% With Delta, Punk"...
• Passengers boarding a Vueling Airlines jet discover all but three of the 32 seat rows on one side of the aircraft are cordoned off with tape. The plane's pilot tries to reassure them, saying "don't worry, it's only a safety problem." The airline briefly uses the statement as part of a stunningly unsuccessful advertising campaign, complete with jingle sung by Bobby McFerrin...
• Natalie Meilinger is shocked to discover her newborn son's baby monitor is picking up the NASA TV video feed -- and even more surprised when an unnamed female astronaut breaks into her Illinois home and makes off with her entire supply of diapers...
• A 100,000 square-foot silhouette of a naked female pole dancer, in a field along the flight path for airliners arriving at departing England's Gatwick Airport, is visible to thousands of airline passengers each day. Despite massive public outcry over the lurid ad for an erotic website, there is some good news to report -- Argentine scientists say the ad effectively combats jet lag in men...
• The TSA responds in a most unusual way when news breaks about an incident at Reagan National Airport: by posting video footage on the web of the event, showing screeners as they attempt to confiscate a child's "sippy cup" at a checkpoint. Surprisingly, the agency's footage shows screeners as they heroically foil a massive, al-Qaeda-supported terrorist plot, in which preschool-age children and elderly grandmothers are used to smuggle bomb-making components onboard commercial airliners. The TSA's hoax is uncovered, however, when an alert viewer notices a sign in the background, stenciled crudely with a marker, saying "Welkum 2 Raygun Nashunal"...
• More than 200 passengers on a transatlantic Continental Airlines flight are subjected to more than bad food and stiff legs -- they have to endure seven hours in the air with raw sewage on the cabin floor, after a lav toilet malfunctions. The news surfaces the same day Continental announces it received the JD Powers and Associates award for highest customer satisfaction, for the second year in a row. That's not a joke...
• Turkish fish farmer Mehmet Kara watches in horror as a firefighting helicopter fills its tanks from his pond -- twice -- making off with some 40,000 fish in the process. He is not consoled when firefighters invite him to a fishbake to smooth things over...
• Air traffic controllers get creative in showing their displeasure over a new, FAA-imposed dress code. Some male controllers begin wearing dresses to work, in full compliance with the new rules. One even wears "an outfit that was not fit for human consumption" -- a purple shirt, a mismatched purple tie, white pants, purple socks and purple snakeskin shoes. But even that's not the worst of it -- one unidentified controller is sent home, without pay, after showing up for work wearing a pale khaki, button-down, short-sleeve "Aero-News Network" workshirt (sorry, Jim, but it's true, those things are awful)...

We'll Wrap Up The "Year In Weird" Next Week...

FMI: Has Rob Gone Off His Medication?