Fri, Jan 04, 2008
Wait... Dave Barry Charges HOW Much?
by ANN Managing Editor [And Second Choice] Rob Finfrock
Somewhere in between the good news of 2007, and the bad, there
lies the offbeat... the surreal... and, the downright disturbing.
Reporting the year's "weird" aviation stories made for some
interesting times for the ANN staff -- often providing a
much-needed chuckle, or a welcome, 300-word escape into the
absurd.

Alas, when recapping these stories we found we just couldn't
leave "weird" enough alone... and felt compelled to add our own
commentary, too.
On behalf of the ANN staff, I hope you enjoy the
following. We sure did.
January
-
United Airlines employees at Chicago
O'Hare claim they see a UFO hovering over the field.
An FAA investigation later reveals the eerie shimmer to be a
physical manifestation of CEO Glenn Tilton's own inflated sense of
self-worth...
- A metal object, the size of a golf ball
and weighing nearly a pound, punches though the roof of a home in
Monmouth County, NJ. A short time later, a Northwest
DC-9 lands nearby, missing its 40-year-old
"spinning-metal-ball-oscillitron" airspeed indicator...
- A Canadian artist announces his plan to
float a giant, banana-shaped blimp over Texas.
No need for a joke here, that pretty much says it
all...
- A man traveling onboard a United Airlines
flight is stung by a scorpion, thereby assuring at
least one more Samuel L. Jackson "[Insert Feared Animal Here] On A
Plane" movie...
- The TSA contemplates advertisements in
security bins at checkpoints. Interested sponsors
include the ACLU, Dasani bottled water, and Preparation H...
- Former FEMA Deputy Patrick Rhode is hired
as a senior advisor to agency Administrator Michael
Griffin -- but quietly resigns immediately following
the discovery of "Constellation Katrina" by the Hubble Space
Telescope. Throughout the ordeal, however, his hair looks
"great"...
- In his book 'Boeing Versus Airbus', author
John Newhouse claims former Airbus CEO Jean Pierson 'dropped trou'
to land a 400-plane deal with US Airways. Punch line
imminent, wait for it...
- A wayward cat survives three weeks in the
cargo hold of a United Airlines 747. Scientists say
Pumpkin was lucky she wasn't stuck in coach, as she'd only have
lasted four days, at most...
- Inspired, perhaps, by the example set by former CEO Pierson, Airbus engineers conduct extensive,
real-world tests of the lavatories destined for the A380
superjumbo.
February
-
A 73-year-old Manhattan woman sues
JetBlue, after she was allegedly removed from a flight for asking
if she could have a super-sized airsickness bag.
Shortly thereafter, the low-cost carrier announces it will no
longer show the Fox News Channel on its inflight entertainment
screens...
- Scientists adapt a miniature helicopter
with an electronic brain that simulates the way insects view
flight, which they say could lead to better flight characteristics
for unmanned aircraft. The bad news is, UAVs equipped
with the devices have a tendency to fly into car
windshields...
- A Qantas flight attendant is accused of
having a mile-high encounter with actor Ralph Fiennes on a flight
from Sydney, Australia. Shortly thereafter, former
President Bill Clinton holds a press conference to announce "Hey, I
was on the flight, too." (Ironically, Fiennes was flying to India
on behalf of UNICEF, to promote awareness of safe sex practices in
the country's fight against AIDS. That's not a joke)...
- In yet another example of former Airbus CEO Jean
Pierson's influence on contemporary culture, a German tourist drops his pants before
walking through an X-ray machine at Ninoy Aquino
International, as an apparent sign of
disapproval...
- What seemed at first like a stylish,
trendy logo for an upstart Belgian airline -- 13 spheres, forming a
lowercase "b" -- is met with protest from superstitious
passengers, forcing a change to -- 14 spheres.
Curiously, the airline says the new number represents the number
of times US carrier Delta Air Lines has altered its livery
since 1968...
- ANN asks the question, How Do You Misplace A Dog That Walks Like
A Person? American Airlines replies they'll get right
back to us on that, but they're kinda busy right now...
- Speaking of American, one of its 757s lands at Dallas/Fort Worth
International sans one of its two nosewheels. Crews
later discover the missing components back on the runway at SeaTac
-- in the process of being buried by a curiously-erect canine.
March
-
Wakefield, England-based Yorkshire Air
Ambulance comes up with a unique and successful fund-raising
strategy: it asks women to donate their bras. The
[predominantly male] ANN staff spends several hours searching
for an "appropriate" fair-use graphic to use with the story...
- Idaho TSA Director Douglas Craig Melvin
resigns from his post at the agency, after he allegedly entered the
swimming area at a Boise hotel, stripped bare and proceeded to walk
naked around the pool. In an oddly-prescient news
conference, Senator Larry Craig shrugs off Melvin's transgression,
saying "there's just something about Idaho"...
- 28-year Northwest Airlines pilot Field
McConnell alleges Boeing and the ALPA are part of a conspiracy to
plant remote-controlled explosives onboard the very 747-400
airliners he flies. Both the planemaker and
pilots union, understandably, downplay the accusations -- while
Airbus salesman John Leahy immediately issues a release noting the
A330-200 comes 100% bomb-free from the factory...
- After quaffing two large beers, and then boarding a
SkyWest regional jet with an inop bathroom, passenger James Whipple tests the
leakproof qualities of an airsickness bag. Inspired,
the carrier soon begins charging $2.00 for its
new, single-use "SeatLav" option...
- ISS astronauts feast on dishes prepared by
self-proclaimed domestic diva Martha Stewart, compliments of
billionaire 'tourinaut' Charles Simonyi. The "Duck A
La Tang" is voted the crew favorite...
- An FAA manager in North Carolina sends an
email to other supervisors, instructing them to be careful in their
use of an apparently offensive word: "staffing." The
National Air Traffic Controllers Association helpfully offers to
assist the agency further, by sending a tape of comedian George
Carlin's infamous 'Seven Words You Can't Say In A Memo To Marion
Blakey' routine.
April
-
A United Airlines flight attendant is
arrested at Dulles International Airport for allegedly carrying a
concealed handgun aboard a flight from Atlanta. Her
purported defense -- "I was only trying to speed along contract
negotiations" -- doesn't fly with authorities...
- A Honolulu-bound Delta Air Lines 767
diverts to San Francisco when a female passenger is caught smoking
in the lavatory, and becomes disruptive. Ironically,
the distressed woman refuses the flight crew's offer of a
cigarette to calm her down...
- A student pilot and his instructor suffer
minor injuries when the cadet accidentally ejects from his
Harvard II, before a planned training flight. "The
ejection seat worked as advertised," the acting commander at 15
Wing Moose Jaw dryly observes... as did the "Student Pilot
Paddle"...
- The search for a mouse delays a
Vietnam Airlines flight to Tokyo for more than four
hours. At that point, crew day limits kicked in and
the airline had to find an alternate rodent...
- Expedition 15 cosmonaut Fyodor Yurchikhin
indicates Microsoft founder Bill Gates is considering a flight into
space. "He says he just wants to 'look around,' like
you do with a new house before buying it," the cosmonaut
claims...
- An Indonesian 747 is forced to turn around
when controllers notify the pilots a nuclear-capable ballistic
missile was launched in their vicinity. And you
thought fare wars over in the States were tough...
- A British commercial airline pilot and
several passengers report seeing two UFOs, each larger than a 737,
in the skies over the island of Guernsey. After
consulting with BBC comedy experts, the UFOs are found to be
giant, crudely-drawn animated feet, descending from the
clouds to stamp out tired comedy routines. (Cue the "Monty
Python" theme.)
May
-
News surfaces an environmental agreement
signed by Boeing and Virgin Atlantic contains a stipulation for
Virgin CEO Sir Richard Branson and Boeing Chairman Jim McNerney to
drop some pounds. Weight-loss company NutriSystem
immediately announces its "787 FREE Meals With Annual Membership"
program...
- Texas State University scraps plans to
build the nation's largest "body farm" -- which, if you were
wondering, is exactly what it sounds like -- near the San Marcos
Municipal Airport (HYI). Area buzzards decry the loss
of yet another planned local entertainment venue...
- The United Kingdom's Civil Aviation
Authority launches an investigation into a "one-foot square slab"
that fell from a small plane onto a tennis court in Jesmond,
England. The object is subsequently identified as a
tie-down block, from an overflying Piper Cherokee. CAA officials
plan to launch a "full investigation," to determine whether the
block was pushed from the plane, or jumped on its own
accord...
- Argentine researchers say a common
prescription drug is effective in combating jet lag.
That drug is sildenafil... better known by its trade name, Viagra.
Actor Ralph Fiennes immediately volunteers to be among the human
test subjects...
- Cairo Airport Customs officers detain a
man bound for Saudi Arabia, who attempted to smuggle 700
snakes in his carry-on luggage. Since we've
already done a "Snakes On A Plane" joke, we'll simply add screeners
in Cairo are apparently more vigilant than their counterparts in
Denver...
- A swarm of bees, some 20,000 strong, is
sucked into an engine on a Palmair 737 departing Bournemouth
International Airport in England, forcing a return to the airport
on one engine. Passengers later complain about the
resulting 11-hour delay, as the airline first attempts to fix the
engine, then finds a new plane. Some also complain about a strange
buzzing noise, that haunts their dreams...
- Boulder, CO resident Greg Camalier
receives a 12-month deferred sentence for trespassing on public
property, after he ran onto the Boulder Municipal Airport (BDU)
grounds, and shouted and cursed at aircraft overhead, screaming he
was going to "shut this airport down" -- a tirade that forced one
aircraft to abort its landing approach. One witness to
the spectacle notes Camalier came within five feet of a taxiing
helicopter's rotor, that very nearly shut him down
(this isn't a joke, per se, as much as an observation. If
you're gonna go blind with rage... an airport tarmac isn't the
smartest place to do it. That's all I'm saying.)
- Director Mike Figgis, best known for his
film "Leaving Las Vegas", is purportedly detained for five hours
following an encounter with security at Los Angeles International
Airport. According to reports, Figgis was asked the
purpose of his visit, to which he reportedly replied, "I'm here to
shoot a pilot." Screeners confirm the story is true... but add they
knew Figgis meant a 'pilot' TV show, and they only wanted time to
show the director a copy of their screenplay,
'Harry Potter and the Dubious Attempt To Reassure Jittery
Passengers With The Illusion Of Security'...
June
-
Thieves make off with an Apache helicopter
targeting system -- and nothing else -- after breaking into a
Lockheed Martin facility in Orlando. The TADS
Electronic Display and Control (TEDAC) is later recovered from some
nearby bushes; authorities believe the valuable piece of military
technology was abandoned when the thieves used it to watch the
"Sopranos" finale on HBO, and thought the device broke at the very
end when the screen went black...
- An unemployed Chinese man is able to
bypass security and board a flight to his home province of Guizhou,
wearing a pilot's uniform he bought online. The plan
unravels, though, when the plane's real pilot strikes up a
conversation with him, and notices his fake colleague doesn't know
very much about his apparent profession. For his transgression, the
man gets off relatively unscathed -- 10 days in jail, and a fine
equivalent to $65. He is later sued for $100 million by Steven
Spielberg, though, for stealing the plot to his 2002 movie "Catch
Me If You Can"...
- Upstart low-cost carrier Virgin America
announces the results of its poll of would-be customers, to suggest
names for eight of the airline's first Airbus A320s.
Chosen names include "Airplane 2.0," "An Airplane Name Desire,"
"Contents May Be Under Pressure," "Jane," "Unicorn Chaser," and the
aptly-named "Winner Of Naming Contest." It is at this precise
moment competitor Southwest Airlines chooses to refocus
its attention from the bargain segment, and
concentrate instead on attracting business travelers. "The general
public has become even zanier than [Southwest founder] Herb
Kelleher, and that's saying a lot," CEO Gary Kelly
says...
- Delta Air Lines pilot Edward Smythe
allegedly punches a US Customs agent in the back at JFK
International, as the agent tried to intervene in a heated argument
between Smythe and an airline worker over two wheelchairs the pilot
said should have been provided for passengers deplaning from his
flight. The Atlanta-based carrier attempts to spin the
news in a positive way, announcing a new corporate
motto adapted from its successful "Keep Delta MY Delta"
anti-takeover campaign -- "Don't @$#% With Delta,
Punk"...
- Passengers boarding a Vueling Airlines jet
discover all but three of the 32 seat rows on one side of the
aircraft are cordoned off with tape. The plane's pilot tries to
reassure them, saying "don't worry, it's only a safety
problem." The airline briefly uses the statement as
part of a stunningly unsuccessful advertising campaign, complete
with jingle sung by Bobby McFerrin...
- Natalie Meilinger is shocked to discover
her newborn son's baby monitor is picking up the NASA TV
video feed -- and even more surprised when an
unnamed female astronaut breaks into her Illinois home and makes
off with her entire supply of diapers...
- A 100,000 square-foot silhouette of a
naked female pole dancer, in a field along the flight path for
airliners arriving at departing England's Gatwick Airport, is
visible to thousands of airline passengers each day.
Despite massive public outcry over the lurid ad for an erotic
website, there is some good news to report -- Argentine scientists
say the ad effectively combats jet lag in men...
- The TSA responds in a most unusual way
when news breaks about an incident at Reagan National Airport: by
posting video footage on the web of the event, showing screeners as
they attempt to confiscate a child's "sippy cup" at a
checkpoint. Surprisingly, the agency's footage shows
screeners as they heroically foil a massive, al-Qaeda-supported
terrorist plot, in which preschool-age children and elderly
grandmothers are used to smuggle bomb-making components onboard
commercial airliners. The TSA's hoax is uncovered, however, when an
alert viewer notices a sign in the background, stenciled
crudely with a marker, saying "Welkum 2 Raygun
Nashunal"...
- More than 200 passengers on a
transatlantic Continental Airlines flight are subjected to more
than bad food and stiff legs -- they have to endure seven hours in
the air with raw sewage on the cabin floor, after a lav toilet
malfunctions. The news surfaces the same day
Continental announces it received the JD Powers and Associates
award for highest customer satisfaction, for the second year in a
row. That's not a joke...
- Turkish fish farmer Mehmet Kara watches in
horror as a firefighting helicopter fills its tanks from his pond
-- twice -- making off with some 40,000 fish in the
process. He is not consoled when firefighters invite
him to a fishbake to smooth things over...
- Air traffic controllers get creative in
showing their displeasure over a new, FAA-imposed dress
code. Some male controllers begin wearing dresses to
work, in full compliance with the new rules. One even wears "an
outfit that was not fit for human consumption" -- a purple shirt, a
mismatched purple tie, white pants, purple socks and purple
snakeskin shoes. But even that's not the worst of it --
one unidentified controller is sent home, without pay, after
showing up for work wearing a pale khaki, button-down,
short-sleeve "Aero-News Network" workshirt (sorry, Jim, but
it's true, those things are awful)...
We'll Wrap Up The "Year In Weird" Next Week...
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