Admits F-22 Actually Propelled by 'Sheer Awesomeness'

ANN APRIL 1st "SPECIAL" EDITION: Lockheed-Martin has held yet another press conference in order to attempt to explain the amazing flight characteristics of its star military fighter jet, the F-22 Raptor, and avoid the program's possible termination.

"We have explained repeatedly that the F-22 does not violate any laws of nature." says Lockheed spokesperson George Heeber, continuing his policy of insisting the F-22 is a "normal" jet.

Despite the consistent story of aerodynamics and gimbal-mounted engines being responsible, even experienced aviators observing the F-22 in flight have been known to express disbelief. 

"No (deleted) way!"

"Unbelievable!" 

"Are you going to finish that hotdog?"

Those are just some of the comments heard at a recent air show in Pensacola, where the F-22 powered through slipping and skidding turns, looped around its lateral axis, and recovered from flat spins before teleporting back to Earth and curing the common cold while it was at it.

In fact, several independent studies of the aircraft have revealed that more than just jet fuel is required to power the F-22 through its amazing aerobatics.

"They'll try to throw around buzzwords like 'thrust-vectoring' and 'particle physics' but the truth is that it's just forced forward by the sheer density of the arrogance behind it," so says totally jealous French aerospace engineer Jean Fornier.

According to sources at Lockheed-Martin, this is accomplished when the arrogance emitter--located directly aft of the aircraft's yoke--activates the "freaking sweet" avionics (a recently upgraded milspec variant on its prior fly-by-wire system).

"At that point the arrogance explodes violently out of the aircraft's exhaust ports, creating this... this Trail of Awesome," says rookie engineer Sean Phillips, who doesn't know not to talk to reporters -- says an anonymous source.

"It's the sheer awesomeness of it that holds it up in the air."

The science is cutting-edge, as the world has come to expect from the Skunk-works, but the real secret is in the fuel, says Lockheed-Martin sanitation engineer Jim Orlen.  "I see them every day preparing the Hydrazine like normal," he whispers, wide-eyed, "but then…at the end," (as he lowers his voice conspiratorially), "they pour tons of taxpayer dollars in it."

"Dude, like, TONS."

FMI: www.F22RULESBaby.mil