Tue, Apr 01, 2003
By ANN Contributor Cody McCormick
The TSA today (appropriately enough), in a move
that surprised no one, set up an airport security screening site on
Jomax Road just 50 feet west of Cave Creek Road in Phoenix, AZ.
According to the TSA's fearless leader, pensioned Coast
Guard Admiral James Loy, this site was chosen as a TSA test
site due to the fact that that the TSA can catch American
terrorists that operate both "Lighter-than-air thermally controlled
stealth bombers" and an "Iraqi-funded UAV terrorist training
base."
In the first four hours of operation, the TSA
screeners confiscated 18 tanks of propane, 9 hot-air balloon
propane burners, 78 gallons of model airplane fuel, 124 modeling
knives, 258 model airplane propellers, an undetermined number of
straight pins and 96 two ounce bottles of cyanoacrylate. In the
words of an unidentified TSA worker "Anything containing the word
'Cyano' has got to be dangerous!"
One person at the field has been arrested for either being a
suspected terrorist or a drug smuggler when he was found to have
two orange plastic four-inch bombs filled with talcum powder. The
suspect's name is being withheld pending investigation of what he
will be convicted, uh… charged with. TSA screeners were also
heard singing a song that sounded a bit like something from the
Rolling Stones: "I don't need no con-sti-tution, you don't get
no res-ti-tution…."
Chemical spill detected...
In an
unrelated story at the same location, the EPA is investigating a
hazardous chemical spill of what appears to be a mixture of castor
oil, methanol and nitro-methane. EPA investigators are also trying
determine if this spill is in any way connected to an unauthorized
release of propane into the atmosphere at about the same time.
Additionally, a Rural-Metro Rescue crew was dispatched to
the site to rescue four TSA workers that had somehow managed to
super-glue themselves to a mesquite tree. [Can you say
cyanoacrylate?" --CM.]
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