Admits F-22 Actually Propelled by 'Sheer Awesomeness'
ANN APRIL 1st
"SPECIAL" EDITION: Lockheed-Martin has held yet another
press conference in order to attempt to explain the amazing flight
characteristics of its star military fighter jet, the F-22 Raptor,
and avoid the program's possible termination.
"We have explained repeatedly that the F-22 does not violate any
laws of nature." says Lockheed spokesperson George Heeber,
continuing his policy of insisting the F-22 is a "normal" jet.
Despite the consistent story of aerodynamics and gimbal-mounted
engines being responsible, even experienced aviators observing the
F-22 in flight have been known to express disbelief.
"No (deleted) way!"
"Unbelievable!"
"Are you going to finish that hotdog?"
Those are just some of the comments heard at a recent air show
in Pensacola, where the F-22 powered through slipping and skidding
turns, looped around its lateral axis, and recovered from flat
spins before teleporting back to Earth and curing the common cold
while it was at it.
In fact, several independent studies of the aircraft have revealed
that more than just jet fuel is required to power the F-22 through
its amazing aerobatics.
"They'll try to throw around buzzwords like 'thrust-vectoring' and
'particle physics' but the truth is that it's just forced forward
by the sheer density of the arrogance behind it," so says totally
jealous French aerospace engineer Jean Fornier.
According to sources at Lockheed-Martin, this is accomplished
when the arrogance emitter--located directly aft of the aircraft's
yoke--activates the "freaking sweet" avionics (a recently upgraded
milspec variant on its prior fly-by-wire system).
"At that point the arrogance explodes violently out of the
aircraft's exhaust ports, creating this... this Trail of Awesome,"
says rookie engineer Sean Phillips, who doesn't know not to talk to
reporters -- says an anonymous source.
"It's the sheer awesomeness of it that holds it up in the
air."
The science is cutting-edge, as the world has come to expect from
the Skunk-works, but the real secret is in the fuel, says
Lockheed-Martin sanitation engineer Jim Orlen. "I see them
every day preparing the Hydrazine like normal," he whispers,
wide-eyed, "but then…at the end," (as he lowers his voice
conspiratorially), "they pour tons of taxpayer dollars in
it."
"Dude, like, TONS."