Senior Official Admits "We May Research Ourselves Out Of A
ANN April 1st Special Edition: Boeing announced
Thursday that, building on the success of its airborne laser
program, it has made a breakthrough in another Star Trek-like
technology, the transporter.
Working with DARPA, Boeing has managed to transport a block of
lead about 30 feet across a laboratory. "It really, really works,"
said a DARPA official not authorized to speak to the media. "While
it's lead, and not a person, which we admit will be a little more
complicated, we have proven the concept that matter can be
disassembled, converted into energy, beamed across space, and
reassembled. It's a breakthrough achievement."
A senior Boeing official, under intense questioning from the
media, admitted that the company was indeed working on the program.
"I know it may seem like it's a little bit at cross purposes with
our core mission," said Montgomery Scott, senior vice president for
Advance Technology, who materialized seemingly out of nowhere to
join the company last year. "But the biggest hurdle we have now
with the system is that we just need more power."
"I know, Boeing's main job is to
build airplanes that take people from one place to another," Scott
continued. "We may be on the verge of finally managing to put
ourselves out of business."
Pilot, flight attendant, and mechanics unions have all expressed
deep concern about the technology. At a vocal protest outside
Boeing headquarters in Seattle, protesters chanted "What do we
want? DREAMLINERS! When do we want them? NOW!" Southwest pilots
carried signs with the message "Beaming should be a big smile," and
"Bags WON'T Beam Free." One mechanic, who wished to remain
anonymous, said "Heck, we can barely keep up with the AD's now ...
what with the fines and all the FAA keeps handing out. How are we
supposed to learn to repair something that scatters your molecules
all over creation and puts them back together? Would you trust it?
Of course not."
For its part, TSA said it would be requiring full body scans of
everyone who wished to be transported from one place to another,
and was already working on a "do not transport" list compiled from
a dozen disparate and incompatible databases.
DARPA and Boeing plan to continue the research. "Today, it's
lead," said Scott. "Tomorrow, we may be able to beam a hamster or
some other small rodent. Eventually, we might be able to put a
whale in your hold ... you just don't know ... or do you?"