Beloved Family Pet Dynamited In Case Of Mistaken Identity

04.01.05 Special Edition: TSA Director Admiral David C. Stone (pictured below) apologized today for a tragic incident at Dallas-Fort Worth where a new screener mistakenly declared a family's beloved Schnauzer suspicious. Following standard operating procedures, the TSA Elite First Rank Bomb Squad blew up the dog carrier in place near the American Airlines baggage check area.

"This is an exceptional case, and I realize it looks pretty bad. And so does the grandmother in Milwaukee whose wheelchair was pushed off a vacant airbridge, and so does the seven year old that was put to the bastinado in Dulles. However, if you look at the bright side you'll see that we are still holding firm to our civil rights policy, and not selecting and questioning suspicious Arabs."

A TSA screener who said he could not reveal his name, because he was a crucial element in the war on terrorism, admitted he called the bomb squad. "I asked the dog if he was carrying anything for a third party, and he just barked that yippy Schnauzer bark at me. He was clearly a terrorist dog."

When the dog refused for the third time to come out of the carrier with his paws up, the screener called for help dealing with the recalcitrant pooch. "But it looks like our guy got confused by the metric system and used kilograms instead of milligrams," a bomb squad spokesman said. "Our usual dog charge is a lot less noisy."

"At first we thought the size of the blast indicated that we were right, and it was a Schnauzer bomb. Then we noticed how much dynamite was missing from our crash cart."

Damage to the baggage check area should be repaired, and the terminal reopened, in two weeks. Stone dismissed suggestions that the agency should pay. "Security is everybody's job, and when the burden falls on you, you just have to grin and bear it."

The Evans family, owners of the dog, were not available for comment.

Stone promised they'd be released "as soon we have the answers we're looking for." He didn't rule out Federal charges.

FMI: www.aspca.org