Senior Official Admits "We May Research Ourselves Out Of A Job"

ANN April 1st Special Edition: Boeing announced Thursday that, building on the success of its airborne laser program, it has made a breakthrough in another Star Trek-like technology, the transporter.

Working with DARPA, Boeing has managed to transport a block of lead about 30 feet across a laboratory. "It really, really works," said a DARPA official not authorized to speak to the media. "While it's lead, and not a person, which we admit will be a little more complicated, we have proven the concept that matter can be disassembled, converted into energy, beamed across space, and reassembled. It's a breakthrough achievement."

A senior Boeing official, under intense questioning from the media, admitted that the company was indeed working on the program. "I know it may seem like it's a little bit at cross purposes with our core mission," said Montgomery Scott, senior vice president for Advance Technology, who materialized seemingly out of nowhere to join the company last year. "But the biggest hurdle we have now with the system is that we just need more power."

"I know, Boeing's main job is to build airplanes that take people from one place to another," Scott continued. "We may be on the verge of finally managing to put ourselves out of business."

Pilot, flight attendant, and mechanics unions have all expressed deep concern about the technology. At a vocal protest outside Boeing headquarters in Seattle, protesters chanted "What do we want? DREAMLINERS! When do we want them? NOW!" Southwest pilots carried signs with the message "Beaming should be a big smile," and "Bags WON'T Beam Free." One mechanic, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Heck, we can barely keep up with the AD's now ... what with the fines and all the FAA keeps handing out. How are we supposed to learn to repair something that scatters your molecules all over creation and puts them back together? Would you trust it? Of course not."

For its part, TSA said it would be requiring full body scans of everyone who wished to be transported from one place to another, and was already working on a "do not transport" list compiled from a dozen disparate and incompatible databases.

DARPA and Boeing plan to continue the research. "Today, it's lead," said Scott. "Tomorrow, we may be able to beam a hamster or some other small rodent. Eventually, we might be able to put a whale in your hold ... you just don't know ... or do you?"

FMI: www.boeing.com/beammeup