By Craig Oleszewski

Operation Shokinaw began in earnest at 9:32p.m. on March 19, when US Navy and Coast Guard Intelligence operatives discovered the actual hiding location of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein. The secret lair on the outskirts of Baghdad was immediately assaulted with Bunker-Buster bombs delivered by Navy F-14s, which followed a "platoon" of Tomahawk missiles. This initial salvo was followed by a volley of Coast Guard, Air Force and National Guard Belly-Shakers, Booger-Beaters and Kidney-Kickers, specifically targeted to the same location. At 9:38, the assault was polished off with a newly developed 'smart bomb' designed to give everyone within a 2-mile radius a nasty Charlie-horse. [This weapon has yet to be named for the media.]

It almost didn't happen that way...

Discovered just an hour after US President George W. Bush's latest deadline for Saddam to "Get Yo-sef Outta Dodge", intelligence on the location of the bunker came "just in time," according to Major Colin Alcars, director of pre-production asset allocation for the US Military and Television Forces in Kuwait. "We were beginning to look a little stupid just standing there after the deadline passed. We needed action footage. I was just considering giving the men permission begin fighting among themselves when the call came in."

According to USCG Sources, operatives of the Tactical Urban Reconnaissance Team/Law Enforcement (TURTLE) Special Forces unit learned just which one of the 45 underground concrete bunkers that Hussein himself was in. Hussein switches bunkers and palaces daily, even numerous times within a day, in a constant shell-game to avoid detection and other unpleasant duties like making the bed or doing the dishes. The location of the bunker was revealed to the TURTLE operatives at around 9 PM US Eastern Time, just early enough to pre-empt the NBC television program The West Wing, with its imaginary, articulate President. Navy SEAL operatives had discovered this same information a few hours earlier, but didn't think it was worth mentioning because "We were gonna blast the entire city into a smoking hole in a few hours anyhow."

A target-rich target:

TURTLE operatives, on further investigation learned that Hussein was not alone in the bunker, but was engaged in a card game with Osama bin Laden, Yassir Arafat, Fidel Castro, Mohmar Qadaffi and the previously-funny comedian Bill Mahr. The response was immediate.

After learning that the name "Operation Just 'cuz'" had already been used the last time the leader of the free world employed the entire might of the US to wage war on a single person who annoyed him, the Defense Department began feverishly searching the lexicon for a suitable phrase to describe the "Shock" and "Awe" of this, the latest US military operation to be fought on prime-time television. Defense Department spokesman Frank Shokinaw said he would continue to think about a name.

FMI: www.defenselink.mil